Tuesday, July 26, 2011

'Change' is the only constant thing in life...

One fine day
I stepped into this evil world
met beautiful people
befriend them
I loved them
and ,they rained their love back at me
years passed by,
some quietly moved away,
some fought battles,
while some stayed,
the latter hurt the most.
they stayed,
they changed,
they expected more,
they loved irrespective,
they broke up,
they patched up,
they hated,
they hated even more,
and more,
and one day I lost them forever.
I surprise my own self
when I miss you and
don't have the nerve to admit this even to my bare soul !

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

My First Attempt At Baking a Cake :)

Its my mom's birthday today... and her favorite cake to devour on her birthday has to be a vanilla cake as its been her only choice since several years now. In my family on anyone's birthday a home-cooked meal, and a vanilla cake has almost become a tradition now. My mom always bakes a cake for everyone in the family... but when its mom's birthday I accept that I’ve always cheated and bought the cake from a bakery. I always made excuses to my dad for why I was never able to bake mom a cake… no time, had to work, no one was not going to eat what I bake. Those were the most common excuses. I’m sure there were many more. But in actuality, I was and still am intimidated by baking. It’s too precise for me. I like cooking savory dishes so much more because a little dash of this, and a little dash of that, and voila!… a tasty meal. No measurements, no thing. Just pure intuition :)

I’m a horrible baker. The last time I attempted to bake was when I was fifteen years old. I was trying to bake chocolate chip cookies from store-bought ready-made cookie dough. The cookies baked by me looked nothing like the original cookies. They were flat, and dry. Ugh.
I mean, how can you mess up ready-made cookie dough?! They are made to be fail proof. You just drop dough onto a buttered cookie sheet, and wait 8 to 10 minutes for cookies! But it wasnt the same for me...!!! The cookies ended up in the garbage as even the street dog refused to eat it. From then on, I swore to myself that I would never try to bake anything sweet ever again. Ever. Until today...
I wanted to show my mom how much I care for her, so I decided to bake a vanilla cake for her on her birthday.
In order to overcome my bake-o-phobia I asked my best friend 'Anu' to stay over night on my mom's birthday eve at my place so that we can surprise her early morning on her birthday. Anu came on the day I called her (19 July).
So today (20th July) was the day. The day to bake. The day that I’ve avoided for a very long time.
It took us three hours to make, bake and assemble. I don’t think it should have taken this long. I also had many other revelations along the way of making this cake. Firstly, I can’t believe that of all cakes I tried to bake, this was the one.
Secondly, I had many horrible mishaps along the way of baking. I think it was a sign that I was not meant to be a baker.
Lastly, I realized how important it is to have at least a hand-held electric mixer. I hand-mixed and hand beat EVERYTHING in the batter. My forearms were very sore by the end of the process.
I think this was probably the most adventurous cooking attempt I’ve ever made. I really mean that. Simply because I’m not good at baking at all!

And as this was my first time baking a cake so to minimize damage, I stuck to a single-layer cake, and so I simply used half the proportions in the recipe (That I found on net.. lol). I somehow managed to produce a cake that baked really well (its really spongy)... but I cant really comment too much about the taste of the cake as it was slightly salty because by mistake I used salted butter in it... However the mission "baking a cake" was a huge success and I am really satisfied :)

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Where are you..???

So many people try to keep their blogs positive. It's a life-affirming space, a safe place, etc. I spend every day, all day, trying to be that way in the real world. This is my let it all hang out space, my safe place of negativity. When I hurt, I let it out here. When I'm tired, frustrated, depressed, alone, angry and resentful I come here and spew all the things I can't let out into real life.
And since the last two days there is something that I cant really get out of my mind..

"Either you are thinking about what happened in the past or worrying about what will happen in the future. You forget to consider the present. That's the only trouble with you."
That's what my friend said to me two days back...

Though I may hate it... but he is right.
I don't regret my past, but I do think if I could have taken some decisions differently, done things another way, may be thing would have been better.
Perhaps the biggest past factor with me is thinking about people. I don't exactly nurse a grudge, but I find it hard to forget. I might think I have forgiven, but then at unexpected moments I realise I don't know how to forgive. It all comes back.

The future thrills me and scares me to death. I fear losing what I have, but even more than that, I fear that I might stop appreciating what I have. I've run from responsibilities, relationships, people... I pushed people away.. the ones who loved me.. the ones who cared... and what if I do all this again??

My friend calls it my "second guessing streak". He says I think negative thoughts and either worry myself trying to prevent it or worse, get fatalistic and make it happen.

I can perhaps stop thinking about the past. But the future...? It confuses me, when people say "live in the present, don't think about the future". I cant help thinking... will not our actions today affect our tomorrow?

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Was it Love Or Illusion..

There is a question in my life I cant find an answer to... May be you people can help me...
I don't even know where to begin but this is all started when he first met her. A simple, sweet guy with a huge smile on his face and dat too came when she entered the room. A girl with a calm and shy face, lots of expression was there on her face at a time. I think she was a bit nervous and excited too. She came in to the room and just then this guys came by her side and said "Hi!". She replied nicely and took her seat. I don't know if he noticed it or not but I did, everytime he turned his face to her, a smile came on her face. He was so indulge in himself and his work that he couldn't notice that smile and shine on that girls's face. days passed by and they became good friends. She started to see a new place coming up in her life for that boy. People started to blabber lots of things about both of them.
As usual, when you are right, you don't care about the world. I heard someone saying dat " Don't care about what people talk about you, but do care about what you give them to talk." Well both of them were so involved in each other that they were unaware of the world, they found new friends in each other.
One day after classes, i saw the guy rushing towards the girl. He came to her and told her all about his feeling for her. He was so in love, i can still feel dat. The warmth of every single words coming from his heart, was so real. He was so into her that was not able to think about something else at that time. Even the girl was madly in love with this guy, he was her world, her life, her heartbeat, her everything.

But one thing which hurted me most and I found it strange, was, that they both were in love,the guy did pour out his heart to the girl.... but as few days passed on he suddenly started acting strange.
One day when the girl couldn't take it any-more she went to the guy and asked him where does she stand in his life. He didn't reply to her. He said nothing and left. Was it so neccessary to leave it unspoken? or Is it so mutual to even express? I didn't understand that time.

Days passed, the girl waited for her answer. She wanted to know all about his feelings but he was not ready to say a single word. After some time I found out that this guy with calm face and cute smile, was already in love with someone else and couldn't break that other girl's heart. And the sudden expression of the feelings of this first girl, put him in a wierd situation. Neither he wanted to hurt any of them nor he wanted to loose any of them.
I cant understand.... is it possible to love 2 people at the same time and was it love actually??
I still don't know.

He didn't came to attend his classes for the next 2-3 days. During those missing days, I missed that shining smile on the girls face. I silently watched each and everything, taking place between them. I don't know about others present in that room, but I was surely the eye witness of their friendship, love, sorrow and every other emotion.
After 2-3 days, the guy came to the class. He looked silent and calm as usual. The girl was sitting at the corner of the room silently but I saw a strange change in her mood. She looked so desperate to talk to him. I saw the feelings in her eyes like she wanted to hold him in her arms and never let him go any where.
At the mean time I saw the sorry feelings in the boy's eyes like he was blaming himself for whatever happened to this girl without even knowing the reason. But he had planned something else for her. He came near her and held her hands. She looked surprised or rather say shocked. He holded his hand up and said " I don't want you to go. I want you to be with me forever." and tear rolled down his cheek. She was suprised by what he just said and in anticipation she hugged him tightly and cried her heart out like she way saying " Don't worry swetheart, I am not going anywhere. I'll be by your side." With this sweet girl, i was crying too...I don't know why..

Time passed, they started talking and treating each other like they are so in love with each other, but at every prospect the guy compares this girl to that other girl whom he loves. Now at this point, he was in love with two people at the same time.
Was he loyal to any of them?

Was he really in love with any of them or both of them?

I left the classes and the story as well. I dont' know the end and my questions left unanswered. I don't know if I ever get to know the end or the answers, but one thing which I know is , they both cared a lot for each other and there was some thing more than just freindship.

I don't know what it was Illusion or Love, doesn't matter, but there was something....