Saturday, December 29, 2012

2012 - What have I learned?

1. I've developed an intolerance for bullshit.

This seemed to be the year I just couldn't handle excuses anymore. I'm not sure why, but this year I just got tired of saying "I can't" when what I really meant was "I'm not going to" or worse, "I'm scared."

This was the year I got a lot tougher on myself, and subsequently, other people. I don't mean to be harsh, but I really get annoyed by people that expect change to just materialize out of thin air. At some point this year I really became aware of my belief that life is what you make it.

I've only gained from this attitude adjustment, but I think, sadly, its also distanced me from people. I'm not saddened by the fact that I'm not as close to people as I've been in the past. I'm just saddened that some people will be so content to stay at status quo. I refuse to stay there myself. I've done enough over the years to hold myself back, I don't need anymore dead weight when I'm trying to move forward.

2. I'm a lot stronger than I think.

Physically and mentally.

Physically, this was the year of the gym and the year of literal strength building. I'm doing things I never thought I could do, like dead-lifting, squatting half my weight (ass to grass!). The only reason I thought I couldn't do those things was because I never tried. Now that I've tried and conquered some goals, I plan to keep trying. I plan to keep setting new goals, to lift heavier, to run faster and longer, to be fitter.

Mentally, I've done a lot of positive things for myself. I spent the first few months of the year in counseling, working through some issues. I rearranged my schedule so I could spend more time at home, relaxing, rather than sleeping in til the last second and having to do all my personal shit at night. I've read more, I've written less on the blog and more on my hard drive. I've tried to become more aware of my brain, the stress it goes through, and giving it a rest.

3. Things change.

If I had it my way, everything would be awesome all the time. I would have total control over what the world threw at me and even more control over how I respond to it.

I've never been one for change but this is the year I've really had to embrace it. I've made changes as much as I've rolled with the punches this year. Life moves on with or without you, no matter what the situation. Change isn't always a bad thing, you just don't have a lot of other options than shutting up and dealing with it. So that's what I did. I just dealt with change as it happened.

4. People have to help themselves.

I've spent the better part of the last year giving a lot of myself away to others. I can't go into much detail on this, but what it boils down to is that people choose to be the way they are, and most people don't own up to the choice. If you choose to be miserable and moody, life will treat you like you are miserable and moody. If you choose to accept this behavior in others, if you choose to try and work around people's character flaws, or if you let people walk all over you, you will get what's coming to you. You will be just as miserable as the people you surround yourself with.

That said, you still should try to do what you can for people, because sometimes, people aren't so far gone that they can't be helped with love and support. But in a lot of cases, there is only so much you can give and only so much you can accept from people before you become the sucker.

5. Keep calm and be a princess.

I'm so neurotic sometimes. My Mom always tells me I'm a worrier and that I need to relax. Of course, then all I did was worry about how much I worried. It's a cycle.

This year, I think I've finally figured out how to just hold my head high and get my shit done. I've realized that panic and worry does nothing but aggravate my heart condition and keep me up at night.

So how do you avoid worry? Well, part of having less worry is just being prepared for things. Worried about being late for work? Set your alarm earlier. Worried about getting the right nutrients in your diet? Make your own food. Worried you're forgetting something? Make lists. I make so many goddamn lists for all kinds of things, but it helps me keep track of everything. What groceries I need to buy, what days I have appointments, etc.

And on that note...

6. Organization is important.

I have always existed in a state of finally tuned chaos until this year. It seemed like the worst things would always happen to me. When I really got to thinking about it, I realized my life would be a lot easier if I just kept track of my life a bit better.

So now, I try to always have plans for back up plans. You can't really plan everything, but there are a lot of things you can plan for. You can plan your meals and exercise just as much as you can plan to relax. As far as money goes, I have a budget every pay day to keep me on track, which in turn, gives me the ability to plan my life better.

Murphy's Law can't get to you if you have a plan to deal with Murphy. I read that in a book somewhere this year and it just made so much sense. The better organized and prepared for the worst you are, the less likely the worst will happen.

7. If you do it all, people will expect you to do it all all the time.

I have a very "take charge" personality and it's both a blessing and a curse. I literally feel like I can do it all some days, but really, I shouldn't have to. I have friends, family etc. that are all capable of doing their own things, so I shouldn't be trying to do everything for anyone else.

Sometimes it's really hard to keep it all together. We all stumble, we get tired, we have issues come up that make it hard to stay on top of things. You have to have people in your life that can step up to the plate for you when you need the help. Sadly, I don't feel like I had much of that in my life this year. So the plan for this year, is to surround myself with people that are more supportive, and also to let go of my need to control all the things. I need to relinquish control and stop trying to do it all.

I hope everyone reading this has a great 2013, but remember, it can only be what you make it.

Friday, September 14, 2012

Thank You Note For My Weirdest Friend :)

Dear Bhalu (Read it as Raghav) :D

I guess i should start this note with the fact that you're an amazing friend! ( not just me... all your friends feel the same for you) we've known each other since a long time now and you don't believe me but you've changed. You're way sweeter now and your voice gets seriously low and humble while talking to me. You have a newfound respect for yourself  and you understand me more than  most of the people ever could.

Thank you for being a different friend than everyone else, different from the friends who are only there for the fun things, the art museums and shopping and benders and brunch. Your relationship with me is something no one can ever understand (maybe because at times we ourself get confused) ;)

 You were there when I was happy, and you were there when i thought i didn't know who i was anymore. Thank you for believing in me when I was too weak and exhausted to believe in myself (the night before my SSB). Thank you for pushing me, for repeating those affirmations that don’t mean anything in inspirational films but mean everything when someone like you says them. Thank you for not judging me when I did something really stupid, but understanding that i am lil insane *giggles*
Thank God that you tried to smile :P

I really love it when i do something really stupid and you take is so damn lightly as if it was pretty natural and also for telling me that people should be full of life (like me ofcourse).

 You were there to cheer me up and defend me from people that i didn't understand (i guess you know who i am talking about *angry face*) . I want you to  know that i will definitely do anything for you because no matter how different we are, we're still friends. Please know that i will always be there for you (I am just a phone call away honey). 

I know that i torture you a lot... like the way i tortured you for a bed time story and then for a song and then for a chocolate and then to carry my bags and then for a road trip and then for a..... hehehehe.. the list is endless ;) I keep calling you weird.... but you know what... the real fact is that i am weird too (way more weird than you... sacchi) and i guess thats what makes this so beautiful between us.... :)

Thank you for doing all the things a real friend does, for letting me complaint about every irritating element of my life like how my plaster made me uncomfortable, or how bad my hostel warden was or how people gossip about us.... No matter what it was its always nice being with you. 

 Thank you for always knowing who I am and reminding me of that when I forget. 

Thank you for being genuinely concerned for me and always listening to me even when you’re tired ( though you are not very expressive but i know you care). Thank you for telling me the things no one wants to hear and sparing the bullshit advice. I can’t think of many other people I’d actually take a bullet for :)

Thanks for all the great memories, long talks, silly fights, and laughs. Thanks for being there through my ups and downs. Thanks for being the sweetest friend I could ever have ( You owe me a chocolate for this line dude ). Thanks for being true, and thanks for being YOU. 

Much Love,


Monday, August 27, 2012

Me and My Dissociative Identity disorder

Blame it on the Gemini syndrome,
Blame it on the high efficiency of getting bored easily, 
Blame it on the restlessness,
Blame it on the air, 
Blame it on PMS!! 


 Things done yesterday look stupid today!
weight lost yesterday looks anorexic today!
speeches spoken yesterday seem maudlin today!
accessories adorned yesterday seem Christmas tree today!
Focused work of yesterday looks like time waste today!


Those Yesterday seems perfect Tomorrow!
Its like encircling in the same place! 



 If you are a conscious Jekyll and Hyde,
you eat different flavoured ice cream everyday!
you confuse yourself and other people!

You are suffering from Dissociative Identity Disorder..!!! 

 But its fun baby.. 

 For me... 

 My five Avatars: 

 The Good Girl Mode

The Messed up mode

The Marie Curie Mode :P




So... what are your avatars???

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

"Do You Have It In You?" My SSB experience

Chest no.33 it was what they used to call me, my name was almost lost during those 5 days of my SSB(Service Selection Board) interview.

 Our venue was in Bangalore and the date we had to reach there, was 25rd of July by 3:00 pm. Excited as I was, I waited anxiously, booked the tickets, arranged the necessary requirements as predicted in the call letter, and reported the Bangalore City Railway Station, on the desired date and time. It was then, that Our trip towards astonishing and surprising standard of life began.
There were around 115 aspirants in our batch waiting for their luck and hardwork to ripen. At the scheduled time, We all were in the bus, a bus of ‘Indian Army’, and in few minutes, we have entered the Selection centre South, Bangalore.
The day of reporting wasn’t included in the SSB interview 5-days’ Schedule. It was just to fill up some forms, which included, a PIQ form, a TA form, etc. and allocation of barracks to the candidates. We were 80 girls in a barrack. Then comes the first day.

 26th July
 It was the screening day. We had to report at 6:00 am, so everyone woke up at 4:00 am, in order to get ready. The screening included a series of tests which decides whether you are required for next 4 days to assess your qualities or you are sent back the very first day. We were given the chest numbers with mine being chest no.90. The tests included : an intelligence test, a PPT(Picture Perception Test), a narration, and a GD(Group Discussion) on the stories made by Group fellas to converge onto a single general consensus. The way it went for me, I was sure that I'll be screened in. The result was shocking, the girls who we felt had a better chance were screened out. only three in our roommates, and 45 in all 115 were selected. rest were sent back the very first day. This was the thing, which was not pleasing. You can’t be sure of your selection at any cost. The chest numbers were re-given to all 45 candidates. According to the call letter serial number, I was given Chest No.33 . Rooms were re-allocated, and so we had new roommates for once more. The day ended in a happy mood.

 27th July 
It was a psychological test day. There was a booklet given and a series of tests, were there, to check out the state of mind, level of thinking, reaction to situations. The tests included An aptitude test, SRT(Situation Reaction Test), WAT(Word Association Test), Story Writing, etc. The same day after the tests were over, many of us were called for the interviews, usually the candidates are called in sequence but interview may not be done in sequence necessarily.
First 10 candidates were called for the interview and it was taken individually at different places and in random order. Mine was 24 SSB(Indian Army Board), some had interviews in 12 SSB(Indian Navy Board), thus IO(Interviewing Officers) were also different.

28th July
Now it was an Outdoor Task day, where we had Group tasks. Firstly, we had a Group Discussion on a topic chosen by us from the topics given by GTO(Group Task Officer) among the members of each group particularly. There were 5 groups each containing 9 candidates, and each group had there own GTOs.
 In GD,first we got the topic ‘who is the biggest enemy of India- China, Pakistan or USA ’ and the second topic was ‘Who is responsible for crime against women- Men, Women or Government’

After GD, We had Military Planning test. There was a sitution given with a no. of problems occuring simultaneously, and you have to find solutions to those problems within the specified time limit and with the resources supplied.
 Then there was GT(Group Task) where a series of obstacles are there, which a group has to cross with a set of materials and a set of rules. Then there was a Lecturette where each of the candidates had to speak on a chosen topic for 3 minutes infront of the group members and GTO.
Then there was a Half Group Task, where group was further divided into two, and each one has to perform the task same as GT.
 Then comes the most interesting part ‘The Snake Race’, This was my favorite part of SSB. So, I would prefer you find it yourself what it basically is . :)

 Then comes the IO(Individual Obstacles test) which was a test of your physical agileness, strength and your confidence, thinking. There were 10 obstacles to cross individually in 3 minutes.
 Each obstacle specifies a given no. of points. Now this is the point I performed really bad (as i fell down from Tarzan swing, monkey jump and even double ditch) and got a hairline fracture in my leg :(

While some groups had the GT going on, some had their interviews.

29th July 
The final Group tasks include CT(Command Task) where each individual has to command his two chosen group members while performing a task. It is done to check his leadership quality and participation. This was the round i performed exceptional well and my GTO even complimented me for it :)

 I faced my interview on the same day. My IO (Inter-viewing officer) was Colonel Ashok Mehra. My interview lasted for around 40-45mins and it covered topics ranging from personal life to technical know how and GK. I was pretty satisfied with my interview even tough i was unable to answer few questions. :) 

30th July
Now comes the Conference day, the day deciding the fate of all the candidates. This day all the three, the Psychologist, the IO, the GTO, sit together to decide who is in, who is out. If all three say Yes, then only the candidate is recommended.
The thing they look for in a candidate is OLQ(Officer Like Qualities), and what qualities are those are still hidden in many aspects to the real world. The Conference has a formal procedure where each candidate in their Chest sequence, has to meet all the three testers simultaneously. Then the results,(the result may come good or bad, but the anxiety before it is always same ).
In our Batch N-STL/68011 only 7 were recommended for the medical test, rest had to leave the same day. I was in the rest, so could not tell much about the medical tests, but I know, those tests are secondary, the prime focus is always towards getting RECOMMENDED, and the first step towards becoming an Officer of Indian Army.

Though I didn’t get selected and I know I never had so much preparations or confidence towards joining Armed Forces, I will never forget those days. Those 5 days though sent me back unsuccessful, but I didn’t returned empty-handed, I had a exciting, cheerful and inspiring experience, which would help me all my live, it changed the way I think and execute my plans, how I talk, walk and be in groups, it changed the beliefs and the way of living. I am thankful to my friends, Our Indian Armed Forces, and their selection centres to rekindle the dead spirits in me. The age limit is 25 for the Indian Army (women), and I am 22, so, I do have 3 years more to try again. And I will not miss the chances now, anyhow….

One statement of the wall posters of our barracks that still roams in mind every now and then and will always do is -
 “DO YOU HAVE IT IN YOU?” -Indian Army

I can’t say about you, but in my point of view if you are above 18, you are just an adult, and if you want to do something substantial, then join Indian Army.

 Take care.

P.S. Even though i got a fracture and i'll have to be on complete bed rest for the next 2 weeks while i have to keep the plaster on for 6 weeks... I am coming 'Back with a Bang' Indian Army..!! I wouldn't let you go :)

Monday, July 9, 2012

Rain and Me...

I don't spend enough time doing the things I should do. I am stuck somewhere between responsibility and dreams. I want to live life intensely, loudly, poetically. Instead I am walled off. Hidden behind of veil of strength and propriety.
Am I broken? Am I healing? Am I incapable of intensity? Have I lost my passion? Have I just become too strong? An impenetrable fortress? Am I worried about what others will think? Am I afraid of reflection? Of rejection? Am I afraid of what I will find if I dig deeper?
 I am afraid that I will be misunderstood. Rejected. Pushed aside for not being what is expected, undesired. It is scary to put your soul out there. I am in awe of those who are able to find the words, the brush strokes, the lens view, to truly show their view of the world, their soul, their inner most person.
I don't let that part of me out very often. I want to be brave enough to live without that fear of the rain.

I sit and watch
as the rain falls
 from a sky so dark and gray

Is this life
a crying sky if so,
not even I can fight

I'm tired of hurting 
I'm tired of tears 
I'm tired of being alone for all these years

I want peace
and I want love 
I want to break free
to fly above!

Friday, June 15, 2012


'Time hits you hard on face when you realize how much you've been ignoring it'.
It's hard, it's so hard that its ripping me apart.
 I want to cling. Oh please, I want to cling.
Being a 10th grader, moving ahead was a bad dream,
Sitting for my last board exam in +2, it became worse, And the scariest of all nightmares was dawned upon me this year...
Oh, I wanna reverse time... can't I ? Just a little ? The May of this year was marked as the end of my graduation chronology. Moving ahead, leaving behind trails of memories has never been my cup of Ice-tea ( whhattt ? I hate tea! )
I fall in love with concepts as easily and as swiftly as an obese teenager gulps down McVeggies. And sadly I've fallen in love with Engineering, College and Hostel (Run and get some water if that hit hard) :(
actually the concept of being carefree and fun loving.

As a kid, I always heard my elder cousins talk about B.Com, B.Tech, BBA, BCA, MBA, M.Tech and what not and I always used to wonder "WOW, these Bs and Ms sound so awesome, I'll be one of these some day". I would have traded my army of stuffed toys for it, which was a humongous sacrifice for a 10 year old.


 And now, all I want is, to be back at hostel :(
 Moving out of hostel and facing the whole new world outside was scary. I lost my best friend in the process (totally his loss :D) and earned some of the most nicest loveliest beings on the surface of earth, with the string '24 CARAT GOLD' needled over their heart.
I have a lot to cherish, a lot to share today, but words are just not ready to move my way.

I have realized that no matter how much we criticize our college at the end we'll always miss it.

I'm not strong, I won't pretend, if this is the end, I guess i want it forever.
I MISS BEING WHAT I WAS WITH YOU ALL.. all you bitches of mine and all you pranksters, buzz me when this reaches your heart :)

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Was it Love Or Illusion.. Part 2

Was it Love Or Illusion continued...
Love is just like the initial explosion of fireworks.
Your eyes widen, your break gets caught, the colors take over your vision, and you take an inevitable step back.

That's how it was when she met him. I don't know if it was those blue jeans, or his t-shirt. Well, maybe it was that smile, or those crystal blue eyes. He brought the sunshine to her even at midnight, with a smile that always reaches her eyes. I could tell you every detail, every dream, every hope, but that isn't what love is. Love is the feelings...

In her case the firework of love did explode but in her face, it burned her, and broke her heart, literally. After that she was crushed, they continued to talk. He smiled, she didn't. She turned. She stepped away. She trusted him. He promised to always be hers.

One night she decided to move on... so she wrote this letter to him... and then she moved on :)

My Dear,


I only have two words for you.. ~I'M DONE~ After everything I've done for you, every chance that I gave you , you still broke my heart but it's over. Finally, I've realized I don't deserve this, and honestly, you don't deserve me.Yeah, I still love you and probably will for a longtime. But I can't stay here anymore, it hurts too much I guess this is.. ...MOVING ON... I guess I'm tired of being the least thing on your mind. I should have known from the start, you'd go and break my heart. You took my heart and threw it away as if it was NOTHING.
To me.. you're my everything but to you I'm just another meantime girl. You hurt me more than I deserve, How can you be so cruel? I love you more than you deserve, Why am I such a fool? Little did I know you were just another dead end road made with pretty lies and broken dreams.
Now, I believe it when people say, LOVE IS BLIND.. Coz I must have been blind to love a person like YOU. It finally hit me that you didn't care, When you walked away and never looked back. Maybe if I had just looked away that first night you came towards me, Everything would be different, my heart wouldn't be breaking right now. I wanna do exactly what you did to me, lead you on, make you fall for me, then just let go.EFFORTLESSLY.
Suddenly, I'm hating myself for everything I've ever felt for you. Sometimes, I wish I could go back and erase the day I met you. But then, I will never regret loving you only believing that you LOVE ME TOO. I made a mistake thinking you were my world..
You messed with the wrong girl. Slandering my own name just for your own gain. Dream on honey, I'm gonna make you feel the PAIN. Thank you for ripping my heart out, stomping on it and breaking it in half, now I know how much you care. Watching you walked out of my life doesn't make me bitter about love,
But rather makes me realize that, if I wanted so much to be with the wrong person, how great it will be when the right one comes along.

There is no medication for this illness, No known cure rather than TIME. Maybe someday I'll get back my heart. Maybe someday, I'll get back my pride. Maybe somewhere down the road, I'll forget to remember you. One day, you will seek love and be "SORRY" That you threw mine away. And one day, you'll realize you could have been with me. I hope someday, you'll realize what a fool you were to let someone like me slip from your grip and that you'll see that the one you've been looking for was the one who SET YOU FREE. One day, I will be able to look you in the eye without feeling the pain you've caused. One day, I will be able to stand next to you without wanting to hold your hand. ONE DAY, I'LL GET OVER YOU..

P.S: This is just a write up :)

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Men and Women

In a nasty mood today..Therefore this piece particularly appeals at this point of time..Unfortunately I do not know who wrote it..whoever did has truly got it right!! Couldn't agree more..


Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen song,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.


I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store
and a golf course.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a sh**.

P.S. This is my 50th post on my blog :) Thanks for your love... I love you all :)

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Don't tell me it's not worth trying...

Yesterday while i was checking my mails, i did come across a mail which had pictures of 'magical' places. These are eye popping, jaw dropping. I swear i would give up on anything to be at any of these places...! I like, the idea of some wine, chocolates, dreamy lights , light breeze, Romantic songs (current obsession) in the background and ME out there. I don't care if i am alone. Okay, may be i do. A little. But... I am so dying to have a dreamy getaway..! They look so so soooooooooo magical. Yes, i said it. M-A-G-I-C-A-L. Sounds unrealistic when i say it right..? Well,everyone is allowed to do so once in a while ;)

Sunday, March 18, 2012

The Axe Effect ;)

We had the Doppler Effect…..then came the Joey Effect and the newest phenomenon is what happens to be termed as the AXE Effect….a case of societal preferences taking a serious dip!

So what is this Axe Effect? Allow me to explain….You look like a dude…..and then you chidko this magical Axe Deo potion…next thing you are a stud with a good thousand pataakaas (read it as hot girls ;) ) following you and tearing off their clothes for you. Oh and the guy doesn't scream 'Help Help'!!!…No surprises!…..
Bottom line…Buy the product….Use it and you become the nukkad ka newest hottie. Cool naa ???

Hello whatever happened to these stupid advisement makers, its all embarrassing!….And I have a serious doubt….just for the sake of argument even if these commercials were true, what happens if all the guys started using it…..wouldn’t it leave the situation exactly the same as where it began?

And that’s not all….you even have it in a chocolate flavor!!!!!......Why on earth would anybody want to smell like chocolate??? Just watching the Cadbury Silk advertisement with hands covered in chocolate put me off as gross……this is like all of you smelling with it…AND HERE YOU DON’T EVEN GET TO EAT THE CHOCOLATE!…Am I falling behind in fashion sense or are people just losing their hinges by the day???

Honest to the T, I think these Axe wala’s need to get creativity that has at leasttt 1% substance to it…….you can’t roll the same crap in different formats…..and if the money is really too heavy for the pocket to handle, then might as well give it to charity! Kisi ka bhalaa ho jaayega plus saves you from going to hell as a dushtt paapi!!!

Thursday, March 15, 2012

I know I am wasting my time... You'll never be mine

The sound of your footsteps
Telling me that you're near
Your soft gentle motion,
Brings out the need in me that no-one can hear,

In my midnight confessions
When I tell all the world that I love you
In my midnight confessions
When I say all the things that I want to

But the things that you do makes me understand
There's another one before me, you'll never be mine
I'm just wasting my time....