So many people try to keep their blogs positive. It's a life-affirming space, a safe place, etc. I spend every day, all day, trying to be that way in the real world. This is my let it all hang out space, my safe place of negativity. When I hurt, I let it out here. When I'm tired, frustrated, depressed, alone, angry and resentful I come here and spew all the things I can't let out into real life.
And since the last two days there is something that I cant really get out of my mind..
"Either you are thinking about what happened in the past or worrying about what will happen in the future. You forget to consider the present. That's the only trouble with you."
That's what my friend said to me two days back...
Though I may hate it... but he is right.
I don't regret my past, but I do think if I could have taken some decisions differently, done things another way, may be thing would have been better.
Perhaps the biggest past factor with me is thinking about people. I don't exactly nurse a grudge, but I find it hard to forget. I might think I have forgiven, but then at unexpected moments I realise I don't know how to forgive. It all comes back.
The future thrills me and scares me to death. I fear losing what I have, but even more than that, I fear that I might stop appreciating what I have. I've run from responsibilities, relationships, people... I pushed people away.. the ones who loved me.. the ones who cared... and what if I do all this again??
My friend calls it my "second guessing streak". He says I think negative thoughts and either worry myself trying to prevent it or worse, get fatalistic and make it happen.
I can perhaps stop thinking about the past. But the future...? It confuses me, when people say "live in the present, don't think about the future". I cant help thinking... will not our actions today affect our tomorrow?